Not embodied? Try this.
You have likely started to realize how important it is that you feel embodied in your sex life; aware of sensation, touch, internal cues and ultimately dropped out of the cerebral practice of thinking; rather - you are focused on feeling. This is hard for many folks to do. Sensate focus is my most widely used prescription for lack of embodiment in the bedroom.
Here’s what you need to know:
Sensate focus is a structured touch practice that sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson developed in the 1960s and 70s. Today it’s one of the most widely used tools in sex therapy. It was designed to treat problems that come up in relation to performance pressure which is at the root of almost every kind of sexual difficulty including:
low desire
arousal difficulties
pain with sex
and erection or orgasm concerns
When sex becomes a task with a goal, such as getting aroused, having an orgasm, or making it to intercourse, attention shifts from feeling to monitoring and worrying. Sensate focus takes those goals away completely. The only goal is simply to notice sensation, moment to moment, with curiosity.
The practice moves through gradual stages, usually with a partner taking turns as the “toucher” and the one being touched. In the first stage, touch is limited to non-sexual areas. Intercourse is also off the table for the whole early phase, which often brings immediate relief. The toucher explores their partner’s body for their own interest. They focus on the temperature, texture, pressure, and contours they feel under their hands, rather than trying to please or arouse. The person being touched just notices what they feel, and when attention drifts to thoughts, judgment, or “is this working?”, they gently bring it back to sensation. Over later sessions, breast and genital touch are added, then mutual touch, and eventually, if desired, penetration. Each step is taken slowly enough that it stays free of pressure.
Sensate focus is especially helpful for anyone who feels disconnected from their body or whose body has come to link intimacy with pain or anxiety. It works as a form of embodiment training: It rebuilds the ability to stay present and feel, and it gives the nervous system repeated experiences of touch that are safe and expect nothing. It isn’t meant to feel relaxing or arousing every time. Neutral or even uncomfortable sessions are part of the process and give useful information. The practice can also be adapted for solo exploration. It’s most effective when guided by a sex therapist, who can help pace the stages and work through what comes up along the way however it is commonly used with couples alone in the privacy of their own space with great success.
